Lemons (Part 2)

A few minutes shy of 1am, I reach for my phone, blurry eyed. I bring it to life as I rub the sleep out of my eyes, wondering if he – aka M – has sent me a message. I must have been dreaming about him because I feel compelled to know. A WhatsApp notification pops up, and it’s him. “This is a really winning combination you know, you’re a great catch”. You’re a great catch. I read it twice, maybe three times just to double check I’ve read it correctly. My phone clunks against the floor as I pull the covers back over me and hide the biggest smile that’s on my face. Apparently, I’m a great catch.

Things have been pretty sweet between M and I recently. But I can’t help but let a bit of pessimism, glass half-empty stuff get in my way.

Yesterday morning, in the aftermath of our chat – despite everything sorting itself out before I went to sleep – I found myself crying over things that haven’t happened yet, worrying about things I don’t have control over. That also haven’t happened yet. My brain has been working overtime.

He’s moving next week – to somewhere closer to me than he is now – for a hotshot job, and to live in a pretty fancy flat. His life is changing, and during the stages of moving and starting a new job, I won’t be up there on his list of priorities. Not that I ever really was, but you know what I mean. I fully expect communication to be sporadic, and I get that. If the tables were turned, I’d be the same.

But.

Because there’s always a but, isn’t there?

But, it doesn’t stop me from overthinking things. That’s not going to stop me from feeling sad when I haven’t heard from M because he’s busy settling into a new city and a new workplace. I’m selfish like that. But I really like the guy, probably more than I’ve liked anyone in a long time. I’ve enjoyed how things have been between us recently, and with change on the horizon I guess I want to know how much it’s going to change us.

I recently reread the chapter on magic and positive thinking in Sophia Amoruso’s #Girlboss where she focuses on the law of attraction and how positivity attracts positivity. I don’t want this to be my self-fulfilling prophecy – did I tell you how much I like this guy? – and for the sake of my own sanity, I’m trying hard to put a glass half-full perspective on things. It’s time to make some lemonade for my glass.

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