Under the Magnifying Glass of Insecurity

Athens. Did I mention that I’m going to Athens soon? Less than one month to be exact.

And as excited as I am to gallivant around a new city with one of my favourite humans on this Earth, there’s a bit I’ve been dreading: getting down in my bikini on the beach.

High-waisted bikini bottoms purchased and after a week of pigging out last week (oh hey hormones), I downloaded the MyFitnessPal app last night. I entered my digits, and according to the BMI calculator, if I lose so much as an ounce of weight I’m no longer considered healthy but I’d be underweight. Well that was news to me.

Whenever I look at my naked body in the mirror I’m never too complimentary. My boobs could be bigger, and my stomach could be more toned.

It didn’t matter that an old Tinder match used to compliment my smile and looks (it’s a shame he was so dull in real life), or that my sister regularly comments on how I look like I’m in great shape. No, I haven’t been doing more exercise recently, and no, I haven’t lost any weight but thank you very much. It didn’t matter that M has complimented my body before, even jerked off to a photo I sent him, and that he thinks I’m a great catch.

Because if I can’t see it, then what was the point? It’s my body, and I need to love it. For all its beauty and its flaws. For the way it carried me through 13.1 miles in a sub-2 hour time. For the muffin top that appears when I wear those Miss Selfridge jeans.

I know I’m not the only one.

We’re too critical of our physical features, we see flaws that only we can see. They’re the very features that someone else adores. But when we start listening to the magnifying glass that’s when it adds fuel to the fire of insecurity.

Take this M incident for example. One minute I’m trying to be an independent, cool and nonchalant whatever I am to him, and then out of nowhere the insecurity kicks in, and my brain goes into overdrive: “Oh my god, he’s going to meet a beautiful brunette in Canary Wharf, get amnesia, completely forget me and the last 5 months he’s known me, and then bam, they’ll get married within a week”.

Gosh, it’s exhausting.

Maybe it’s the app dating culture where we feel disposable and easily replaced without too much effort in a couple of swipes. Or the fact we’re bombarded in every way possible to compare ourselves to others. Not just with models and celebrities, but thanks to Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook, with our peers too.

So now it’s time for me to start seeing my body the way others do. To look at my naked body, and to see something other than the things I’d like to change. Insecurity, I’m working on you.

 

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