It’s been a handful of days since I ended things for the sake of my sanity, and the same handful of days since he didn’t bat an eyelid that I had. In his silence, I wallowed. I wallowed hard. At work, I used all my energy trying to fight back the tears and smile through gritted teeth that I didn’t accomplish all that much. My eyes would fill with tears on the drive home, and it was only when I was lying on my bed that I took off my brave face.
I didn’t want to keep seeing him on WhatsApp so I deleted it. I went from having his number on my phone to deleting it to adding it back in again. I blocked him on Facebook because I didn’t want to keep searching for his name. I obsessed over whether he would ever contact me again, I bored anyone who would listen with the same broken record.
In his silence, I wallowed. I wallowed hard.
From revising for exams and passing them, to watching Gilmore Girls and finally donating clothes to charity, I kept busy. Friends drilled sense into me – I hadn’t lost anything, I hadn’t been happy. I read Thought Catalog posts on letting go, on finding happiness and on gaining the world. I was feeling human again, and I was ready to start the new week on a positive note.
Then when I woke up at 4am this morning and I couldn’t get to sleep, I decided to download WhatsApp again. My friend was right, I shouldn’t have to shut myself off because of him. That’s when I saw his messages, he was asking how I was. I shouldn’t have but I replied – mainly because I genuinely care for him still (that doesn’t go away easily). Just the bare minimum. To see that he was okay. And he is, and so am I. I will be. The laughter that came out of me today at work was genuine, and I didn’t have to fight back the tears. All because I didn’t feel trapped by him. I didn’t have to reply, I didn’t need his attention, I’m going to be just fine.