He was the one who instigated it all. I’m not sure what the change of heart was for him. Maybe he could sense that things were on their last leg for me, or maybe he knew that I stopped caring if he did or didn’t get in touch. Or his latest bit on the side realised she was better than all of this. Whatever it was he was the one who asked the questions: “will you be coming soon?” and when I spoke of last trains home, “why don’t you head back in the morning?” (that’s one for another time).
I let myself get excited about something I really wanted.
I didn’t let myself get attached. I didn’t give hope to it becoming more than an idea. I kept my barrier up. I didn’t expect anything, until he turned his “let’s fuck” message into “we can just do a drink if you prefer”. Well, I did prefer that even if he didn’t, and that made me think we were getting somewhere.
We spoke about what time he normally finishes work, the best bars, and where we would go. It was in that moment that I thought this time it would be different, and for a foolish moment, I let myself believe him, I let myself get excited about something I really wanted.
It was further than we had ever gotten before. Silly isn’t it? All because he has a tendency to cancel on me without telling me. I suppose I knew it all along but chose not to believe it. It’s why I asked him: “You’re not going to cancel on me without telling me, are you?” I realise it makes me sound absolutely psycho, but in my defence, the seed of doubt had been planted by him long ago, so what does he expect?
I need to know the answers. I need to know if this is a lost cause, time to sack it all in, or whether he will come through this time. To move on if I have to. A reality check of sorts. That’s why I won’t cancel. Because the answer that I need will be in whether he turns up or doesn’t. For now I’m going to believe he will come through, if only because of one thing: the law of attraction.
To be continued.