I started writing a blog post last night about a date. To tell you guys that it was all in my head after all, and that spoiler alert: M did turn up, and I had a bloody great time. But things haven’t been that rosy between us recently, and now he’s dropped a bombshell on me, I’m not quite sure what to think. I’ve come to accept things are never easy between us, there’s always something. And I do want to finish writing that post at some point, but for now I need to talk about this.
His big revelation.
“I need to go into sexual rehab, I’m not sure what comes over me.”
I keep opening up WhatsApp just to read those words. Were the signs always pointing to this? His high sex drive, his love for sexting, his nature. Sex has always been a big part of our conversation but this came to me completely out of the blue… and yet, in some ways it made a lot of sense to me. Things that happened in the past clicked that little bit more. Why did he feel compelled to tell me, a woman he’s casually seeing (if he’d even call it that)? When did he realise it was a problem? Does anyone else know?
What do I know about rehab and sexual addiction? Next to nothing. So I spent that night reading about addiction therapy and rehab units on my phone, and again at work the next day. My Google searches came back with words like porn, cognitive behavioural therapy, masturbation, and visiting prostitutes. I’m not saying all of that applies to him, but I needed even the briefest look into what we’re dealing with. I want to understand it more, be supportive, and be able to help him if that’s what he wants me to do. But I have to respect the fact he’s not ready or willing to talk me about his situation yet.
I’ve never dealt with anything like this before so I’ll be honest, I’m not sure how to proceed yet. We’ve been through too much, and far worse for this to be our breaking point. In his words, our six months have been like a marriage. It was a bit of a shock to me but I don’t see it as a big deal. I’m glad he told me and that it’s out there now.
But it’s the elephant in the room. A stonking, giant elephant that we’re currently ignoring.
“How about we just chill out and carry on as normal?” he said. I suppose I’m relieved he sees it this way. I don’t want him to think it’s an issue for me (I don’t think I handled it very well initially), because it isn’t and I don’t want it to be. But I’m cautious. I’m worried I’ll trigger something in him, that thing that he isn’t sure that comes over him. Those pictures of me in my underwear. Our heated conversations that tell me he’d absolutely destroy me. Does this need to stop? What is carrying on as normal for us?
I’m not sure. But I do know he’s still the same M to me. The one who I’m growing emotionally attached to (did I just admit that out loud?), the M who I clash with a lot of the time, and the same M who drives me crazy.
For now, nothing has changed.