Where Do We Go From Here?

A lot has happened this week. Aside from the events that are significant in life but not blog-worthy, M and I have barely spoken and in the early hours of this morning, a 47 year old man I know told me I’m the only woman he’s ever envisioned a life with and that he’s completely in love with me.

When I write it out, it’s absolutely mad. I haven’t processed it properly in my mind yet, but expect some words on that soon. For now, it’s time to continue the story with M, because it hasn’t finished just yet.

***

I saw the “typing…” bit underneath his name on WhatsApp, and I winced a bit, quickly closing down the app. I wasn’t sure I was ready to see what he was about to ask me. We’d just had another episode of our petty arguing so I wasn’t sure what to expect.

“Are you comfortable with the idea of us probably ending up as mates who sleep together? Also. You didn’t tell me why you’ve had a bad week?” He asked. Wow, he was being completely honest. Previous conversations of “what do you want?” had hardly been fruitless. I told him I appreciated his honesty, because I did. Even if I wasn’t sure this is what I wanted to hear. But why had it taken him so long to put it out there in black and white?

I like M a lot. But things haven’t exactly been plain sailing for us. We live in different cities, he’s a closed book, he says I can be hard work, and it’s taken us six months to get to where we are now. But, I like him.

I thought about his proposition. Was I comfortable with it? And as soon as I started to type out my answer, I already knew I was doing it for the wrong reasons. But with this guy, I need to know whether it’s a risk worth taking.

That was two days ago, and I’m still not sure. In fact, I’m starting to think it’s a really bad idea.

After a few too many amaretto and cokes, and then gin and oranges, I sent him a text last night: “You alright? I was touched in weird places”. I had felt a little uncomfortable when a colleague got a bit too hands on on my hips (mainly for the fact he has a girlfriend and child, and the fact I wondered if M would be jealous if he had seen). I suppose I wanted to see if he was at all concerned by it.

But I haven’t heard from him at all. Nor have I seen him online. It makes me wonder: is he with another friend with benefit today? Did he pull last night? Did he end his dry spell? Whatever the answers to my questions are (I think it’s yes, yes and yes) I’m going into overthinking mode and this is before we’ve even decided to be friends who sleep together. If this is how I feel now, it’s a bad idea, right? I get too emotionally involved, and this is a clear sign of it. I should abort mission, say “thank you, but no thank you” and move on before I destroy my heart any more, right?

So what does a girl do when she’s waiting for a text? Leave her phone out of battery, sing along to her favourite songs, watch a good film, and most of all: DGAF. It’s not over yet. They always come back, don’t they?

 

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