It’s been a bit of time since I spoke about M, probably because not much has happened. (That’s usually a good sign since I only ever write when things aren’t going too well). So here’s a bit of a lowdown on what’s been going on, in case you were interested.
Last week, M called me when he was at his work Christmas party. He’d sent me a message just before midnight saying “I think we need to [talk]” which sent BIG alarm bells to me. I was about to be dumped, wasn’t I? I scrolled up to our WhatsApp messages that day, and I couldn’t work out how I’d suddenly made a tits up of everything. That’s so me, I thought. Luckily it was a false alarm – as it turns out he just wanted to say hello, and that he felt we should talk on the phone more. Drunk M is becoming my favourite, because he says the things that sober M doesn’t want to say. I went to sleep very happy that evening. (But seriously, if he scares me with that kind of “we need to talk” one-liner unnecessarily again then I will be having words. Men, eh?).
He called again late on Friday night – as I was tucking into Gilmore Girls on Netflix – and it naturally led to a bit of phone sex. I’ll be honest you guys, it was a little bit weird at first, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it afterwards, which is always a sure sign of enjoyment isn’t it? The way he spoke to me about the intimate things we wanted, his delicious accent was enough to turn me on.
We had our intimate moments, and we even spoke at great length about the novel I’m writing. He told me he’d read my first 300 words, and in his own way, he was supportive.
It all felt kinda great, and I was so happy with how things were going. I was content, I felt happy, and those niggling little insecurities had gone. I thought we were getting somewhere.
Thought. But now I’m not so sure.
Because it seems with every high, there comes a low … which is pretty natural, isn’t it? But I wondered if these “lows” were starting to affect me more as time went on. I’ve brushed these little things under the carpet, but now they’re becoming one great big thing, if you get me.
He bats away every idea I have. Everything seems to be on his watch, we do things that he likes, and when I don’t like his suggestions, he questions my opinion as if there’s something wrong with me. I really like M, probably more than I’ve liked anyone in a long time but it grates on me. His selfishness, I mean.
It all got a bit too much for me last night. I was tired and a bit grumpy that he’s so oblivious to what he’s doing, so I did what I do best: I picked a fight with him. I don’t think I said anything particularly bad as I kept it vague but it definitely wasn’t my wisest move, and I almost regretted it as soon as I said it. But I had to let off some steam, you know? I extended my olive branch this morning to tell him it wasn’t accusatory, but we haven’t really resolved things. So I think it’s best to call for a temporary self-inflicted time out, and concentrate on other things for now.
I really hope I haven’t fucked things up, because I have a tendency to do that, don’t I?