Where do I start? If I could tell you the things I really wanted to say to you, I’d be talking non-stop for days.
Because there are so many things I’ve come to cherish about you. Your smile, your accent, your supportive words (even if they don’t always come across that way). I’ve come to love the way you make me laugh, the way I make you laugh, and the sound of your laugh.
You came into my life unexpectedly, and you’ve stayed longer than I thought was imaginable. You put up with me in ways that I didn’t think you would, and just as I said to you that evening, thank you. I am so grateful for that.
But you make me feel unsure. Unsure of myself, and unsure of us. I don’t think I want to feel like that any more – I want to feel secure.
It’s like you never have time for me, and I’m starting to wonder if I should have time for you. There are so many signs, the red flags, telling me to run away from you, to run as quickly as I can. Especially the friends who don’t think you’re good enough for me. That entire list of things you did should be enough for me to put my trainers on, and run.
I thought once that I could confide in you, and that I could tell you my biggest, long-held dream without judgement. And whilst I don’t believe you’ve ever judged me for that, I do believe that you don’t really care about it. I don’t know why, but that really hurts. You make me not want to share things with you because you seldom share anything with me. No wonder I think you’re hiding something.
Despite everything, I think I’m falling for you, slowly but deeply, gradually but with immense intensity. And I have a feeling you really don’t want me to do that. But I don’t want to have to hear you say “I’m really flattered but…” either. Is there anything more destroying than letting down your barriers to receive that as a response? You’ll tell me that I’m too emotionally involved now as if it’s something to be scoffed at, and this is not what you want. You just want us to be friends with benefits. I’ve gotten too attached already, it’s too late.
About that. The friends with benefits thing that you decided on. Can we talk about that for a minute?
Because the way you are with me isn’t how friends with benefits treat each other … I’m pretty sure of that. And I let you take the lead, to do these things that don’t really fall into the friends with benefits category because I never really wanted that. I always wanted more. It’s moments like this, when you ask me to call you at your Christmas party so you can “just say hello”, or the way you tell me I should call you more because you’d like that. It’s those moments that seem like we’re together.
But, I don’t get it. Why do you want me to call you more when you made it quite clear I’m just a friend with some sort of benefit to you? I suppose you want a free ride to sleep with other girls without ever feeling bad about it … because you made it clear to me that’s all I am. A friend with a benefit. You seem to want to have your cake, and eat it too.
I know I’m not entirely innocent in all of this, because I let you do these things to me. I call you at your Christmas party, and I let you tell me that you just wanted to say hello. I tell you my dreams as if we’re together, I confide in you. Because I want you to be close, to be mine. I want you to start falling for me, as I have started to fall for you. And you really don’t want that, do you?
I’m not the first woman who has played along with a friends with benefits situation just because she has feelings for the guy, and I certainly won’t be the last. Even that in itself is self-sabotage, isn’t it? I feel despondent, sad, and discouraged.
To paraphrase my favourite Rory Gilmore: I’m falling for you, you idiot. (And with that, it’s probably time for me to spend a day leaving your messages unanswered, whilst I figure out what the hell is going on in my head).
Edit: And now he’s ignoring me. It’s like he knew. Wow, this is absolutely shit bags, you guys.