“Hello, remember me?” A Facebook message notification popped up on my phone from a name I haven’t heard or seen in about four years. Well that’s a lie, he came up in my People You May Know section of LinkedIn a good few months back, and I had a look because he looked good, and I’m really nosy. But we hadn’t had a conversation in over four years, and now things with M and I have gone to shit after I told you guys I think I’m falling for him, he gets in contact out of the blue. How do guys have a sixth sense for this kind of stuff?
His message was bold. Of course I remember him, we dated for at least a year, he was my first serious boyfriend. I cared about him a lot. A lot of the men of my past weren’t very nice to me, but I always remember him being a decent person. Why wouldn’t I remember him?
But if I’m being honest, I’m not sure how I feel about him coming back into my life – despite briefly lurking on LinkedIn, I didn’t expect to hear from him. A lot has happened to me since we were together properly. I started and graduated from university, I’ve had toxic relationships, I got my first job in the grown up world, and I battled with ‘finding myself’ the year before that. I’ve changed too.
As nice as it is to hear that I look good, and that he has thought about me since we broke up, is there even any room – or purpose – for him in my life now? We’re different people now. We’ll never be just friends. When you’ve been with someone, it’s never just friends, is it?
I know my judgement is completely clouded by what’s happening with M at the moment … this has been a whole week of confusion. Did I mention I’m calling M tonight to discuss us? I’m shit scared I’m going to lose him, but I can’t carry on like this. His stonewalling, and conversations that feel as if I’m just talking to myself. I figured the best way to be honest and open with each other is a phone call. I was supposed to think about all the things I wanted to say but I haven’t thought about it at all. I’m scared that this is it for us…