You have a girlfriend. Those words are still quite difficult to stomach, but it’s getting easier with every day.
Why haven’t I gone ape shit at you? Because you deserve that in the very least for your dishonesty and the way you placed the blame on me, and made it out to be my fault. I don’t know why but the anger isn’t there … I can’t find the words to shout at you. I wish it was because I’m the bigger person, because I refuse to expend that kind of energy on you. But in reality, I think it’s because you still have a hold on me, I still put you on a pedestal. I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit that, but I know that pedestal is shrinking. I tolerate less from you, I’m not scared to make those quips and digs.
I think back to that phone call we had 12 hours before you dropped the bombshell. You called me, and there wasn’t an ounce of indication that you had a girlfriend. I read your texts from a few weeks back when I guess you two were together. I don’t know for sure when it started, and I’m too scared to ask because I’m not sure I want to know. Your texts read like this, “talk dirty to me” and “let me in your knickers” … you had a girlfriend then, didn’t you? How do you think she’d feel if she read those messages? Did you even think about her?
I don’t know anything about her, and I don’t want to because I know I’ll obsess over her. But I do know that you had someone perfectly good in front of you, wanting to be with you, and willing to do all the things to make you happy. I put your needs above my own, I cared about you and I still do. That doesn’t change overnight. Sure, I have a ton of flaws – we all do – but I tried my best with you, and I gave you everything I could. I refuse to believe I didn’t try hard enough because I don’t think you tried at all.
If I ever admitted this to anyone they’d think I was crazy especially after everything you’ve done to me, but I want to be friends with you. I just don’t know who you are these days. How do we interact with each other? What can I share with you? You told me that we could carry on as normal, and that I could still share all parts of my life with you … but I don’t think I can. I can’t share those details of my life – the happiest moments, the lows and how I really feel – with someone who has a girlfriend. But I’d be there for you in your hour of need, and I would never wish bad things to happen to you (although I know karma will have its way).
You might have chosen her but more the fool you for not seeing my worth. And I just gained the world.