As the title might suggest, today’s post is one of those ones where I’m getting out my tiny violin to play my own sad tune. I’ve boarded the pity train and the destination is Woesville.
I have a lot to be grateful for in life, and I try not to take that for granted. My problems are minor compare to most, and I’m lucky it is that way. But at the same time, I want to be honest. I don’t want to sugarcoat how I feel, and when I’m feeling sad, then damn I need to write about it to stop it from eating me up inside.
I’ll put my violin away afterwards, promise.
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I wished him a Merry Christmas because that’s what you do when you agree to be friends. I wanted to pretend Christmas didn’t exist – at least when it came to him – but he was making polite small talk, and even though I shouldn’t have, I felt obliged to reciprocate pleasantries.
In the nine months since I first got to know him, this is the longest M and I have gone without exchanging a witty quip or even a ‘how are you?’ This radio silence – although temporary – hurts because I miss him. There are words I want to say, that I need to get off my chest but I don’t think I have right of way to do that anymore. He has a girlfriend now… isn’t that everything that needs to be said?
I know I could reach out, and that would be fine. But I’m reluctant. Would it be seen as muscling in on someone else’s man? What would I say to him? I can hardly go in all guns blazing with all that stuff I need to say, can I? What is it I even want to say to him? I’m so confused. I find small talk mundane, and I fear that’s all we have left … and that certainly isn’t how I do friendships. I don’t want my friends to be strangers, and that’s what he feels like. A stranger.
Nobody asked me what I wanted, and I certainly didn’t want this. I didn’t get a choice, I didn’t get to choose this. Why can’t I get over him? And even though they always come back, you can never make them come back when you want them to.