In my quest to publish a post every day in December, this is the final one I’m writing with the last two already written and scheduled for publish. I suppose this one is the hardest one to write, but it’s fitting in some way that things have come full circle.
In an age where it’s so ridiculously common, I’m proud to say I don’t ghost. I understand that conversation dries up, but to talk to someone for days on end, sharing sweet words one day to suddenly going radio silent on them the next? I will absolutely not.
I suppose that’s why I messaged him (I knew that if I called him, I’d change my mind within an instant) to tell him we should part ways … as a statement, not a question. Because after dates and nine months of pretty much talking every single day, he deserved that. I deserved that. I need closure or a conclusion, and even if I didn’t have a choice in the fact he’s moved on, I had that one last choice and damn, no one was going to take it away from me. It was the tiny bit of control that I needed or wanted in this mess that he’d created.
A couple of weeks ago, after it all came out, I told M that I’d like us to remain friends, and I told myself I’d be okay with that. Even though I was reluctant, I was okay with it, or I’d learn to be because life is short, do not hold grudges and so on. But as soon as I told him that, he started being rude to me again. It’s like he had put so many energy into being nice to me so I’d be his friend that as soon as I said I would, he carried on being a dick. He was walking a tightrope, and I wasn’t so forgiving this time.
As cliched as it sounds, the holiday season comes a time for reflection, and not hearing from M since Christmas Day helped me to think straight about everything that had happened between us this month. I couldn’t forgive him for how he made me feel guilty when I was right all along, and how he dropped his relationship bombshell sandwiched in between a normal text conversation. That’s not how friends treat each other.
But there was so much more than that. The cancelled plans where he’d ignore me in the run up, the way I found out he slept with a colleague’s best friend, and the way he denied it all when I gave him the chance to be honest. That was a recurring theme it seems. And all the while, I remember him telling me: “I’m not like that”. He is exactly like that.
Everyone deserves second chances, so there’s room for human error and the benefit of the doubt (we all make mistakes). But this guy? I gave him too many, and saying goodbye is something I should have done months ago. Sure there are times he made me happy, we had some good times in between all the crap. But the crap was too much, and overall, it made me more miserable than it did make me happy. And when even he is surprised I’m still talking to him, well, surely that’s a sign that I shouldn’t have.
I’m not a saint, and I’m sure if you asked for his side of the story, he wouldn’t necessarily paint a glowing picture of me. But I didn’t play games. I didn’t sleep with another guy and then deny it when asked. I didn’t make him feel bad for expressing his concerns when his gut feeling was right all along. I didn’t tell him to call me more whilst I was in a relationship. I didn’t ask him to talk dirty to me when I was in a relationship with someone else. He did all of those things, and so much more.
There’s only so much you can take, and I’d had more than my fair share of it from him. So in my own way, I wrote my departing message. I told him it wasn’t my fault if he couldn’t see my worth, worth that so many wonderful people have shown me to be there in 2016. I wished him well, and told him to be kind (although if you ask me, you shouldn’t have to tell a 26 year old to be a kind human).
It doesn’t surprise me that he hasn’t bothered to reply. There’s no apology, no “I was an idiot”, and I suppose that’s the cherry on top of a very shit nine months. Cheers to you too, pal.
I believe in karma, that if we do good things then good things happen to us. It’s not always an immediate response but karma gets its way eventually. I also believe in my self-worth. And it’s more than this. It’s more than being a secret or a second option. And when he comes back (because they always do, don’t they?) it’ll be too late. He might have just lost the best thing standing in front of him, but I just gained the world. So here’s to embracing the sadness, to moving on when things don’t work out, and looking forward. Onwards.