There were so many red flags … too many count. I’m talking about my dear ‘friend’, M who would say sweet nothings one minute, tell me he was in a relationship the next, and then ask me to be his bit on the side. Is it any surprise that I didn’t want to be his friend?
I put him on a pedestal, one that he didn’t deserve, and I ignored every red flag in my periphery because I didn’t want him to be like that. But he was exactly like that.
When I realised I’d never get the apology I wanted, I deleted our entire WhatsApp exchange – all 4500+ messages – I won’t be holding my breath for one. And you know what? Even though it was a little daunting (complete with a ‘how the hell am I going to get those messages back?!’ moment), it was also uplifting. I didn’t give myself the opportunity to read back on his messages when things were good, and I certainly didn’t let myself do the detective work on when the other girl and I overlapped. Sometimes, a little ignorance is bliss … at least for mental health. I didn’t need those messages.
I’m an ‘all in’ kinda girl. I have trust issues that go beyond relationships, and this was just another one to add to the list. I value honesty above all attributes. I get attached (well it had been nine months). I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t affected at all by this. Of course I’ve cried, of course I spent moments wondering if I’ll ever trust anyone again, of course if I’ve listened to Beyonce’s ‘If I Were a Boy’ a lot this week whilst eating more of my favourite less-than-healthy foods than I normally would. I’ve got no shame in that.
But you know what? I’m glad that’s not my legacy. I’m glad those actions aren’t listed underneath my name.
So a message from me, to me (and anyone else for that matter): look at how far you’ve come, my girl.