Like many others, January is my least favourite month. I love the idea of a clean slate and a new chapter, but it’s also the month I lost both my grandfathers; a fact I’m increasingly aware of as the 10 year mark passes this weekend.
But I started this month with a new sense of fight and purpose as I joined the masses who had a spring in their step. I deliberately avoided things that I knew would upset me, I muted Twitter accounts, I stopped going on Facebook so much, and I surrounded myself with positive thoughts. I told myself more than once on a daily basis that ‘you’ve got this girl, and the world is yours for the taking’. I don’t care if I seem barmy for it, I needed it. After years of self-loathing I owed myself that belief and self-worth.
But this weekend I’ve lost faith a little bit, temporarily, in me, and what the world has in store for me. Are better things on the horizon? I suppose, I feel lost. Lost in my own thoughts, in my own overthinking, and in this world right now.
Perhaps it’s premature Blue Monday or the miserable weather, or because I’ve been taking one too many weekends to get back into reality post-Christmas. Dare I say it, I feel a bit sluggish and a bit miserable, and a bit of a failure because I haven’t reached all my goals yet. It’s ridiculous.
I know I don’t live a bad life; I have good health, I live as frugally as I can but I know I can afford to put food on the table, I have a job, and there are people who care. When it comes down to it, what else do you really need?
This grey cloud that’s suddenly appeared above my head has also made me realise: I am not over M.
I had convinced myself that I was over him. I know he isn’t the person I thought he was and I know there’s a strong case of narcissism in him. I know my friends are right when they call him The Knob. I know it all makes it easier if he ever comes back (they always do, don’t they?), I know all of that.
But when I saw him online on WhatsApp the other day, something came over me. It wasn’t me he opened the app to talk to anymore and that made me feel quite sad. I suppose my own catfish episode didn’t help that either (a post on that is coming on Wednesday!). I couldn’t help snooping; ‘just have a quick look’ the devil on my shoulder told me. But that quick look made me damn miserable for the rest of the weekend.
They say it gets easier, that time is the best healer, and that one day I’ll wake up and not feel it anymore. I know it because I’ve said those words to friends, and I’ve lived through it.
It’s a small bump in the road but I need to regroup my mind and focus on the good. Because oh my, there is so much good in this world and in my own. Just let me have this moment to wallow a bit, to stay in bed a little longer than I should, to eat chocolate shortbread if it’ll bring me some joy, and to have a cry.
The positive attitude and the Law of Attraction approach will resume ASAP, I promise.