… make a damn good lemon drizzle cake.
My internal monologue has been driving me crazy since Friday, as it’s trying to gain some kind of affirmation with its words: “You’re not good enough … why can’t you just be like her? Or her? Her life is good.”
For the last three days, I’ve let it have its moment. I’ve let it whisper those words to me whenever it wants to – when I’m trying to sleep, as soon as I wake up, and when I’m in the middle of a task at work. There’s no warning either, the pesky thing.
It’s hard for me to talk about my down days. Last time I tried to, the person I was talking to quickly dismissed my feelings with “you’ll be fine” before brushing it all under the carpet. It hasn’t made me want to talk about it again.
I’m aware I’m in charge of my internal monologue. It’s been difficult trying to shake this feeling, so I’ve allowed myself to wallow, to spend most of the weekend under a duvet watching New Girl, and to eat that piece of chocolate or that packet of crisps. But I’m ready to silence this voice now … or at least lower its volume.
Every morning I’m setting aside some time to write a list of the things I’m most grateful for, and every evening I’m going to pick out the best thing that I accomplished that day. I’m going to continue paying it forward (something I haven’t done too much of recently), and to instil little acts of random kindness when I can. I’m going to spread that joy and happiness in the world until I can feel it too.
It doesn’t happen overnight. I’ve been in this situation before, and I know that sometimes my mental wellbeing isn’t as healthy as my physical one. I know these blue moments will happen again, because I’ve been through the highs and then the lows, and then the highs again before.
I’ve got this.
[And to you, my dear reader, if you’re having a blue day or a down moment, you too have got this. My inbox is open to you – to talk, to ask advice, or to say hello. Anonymously and confidentially. You’re not alone. I also recommend reading this lovely piece by the wonderful Bianca Bass – go check her out.]