At the end of last year, I told M we shouldn’t be friends and as the clock struck midnight into the new year, I kindly and quietly asked the universe for a better year. Quiet confidence over seeing the back of M quickly turned into regret. So I called him hoping he’d take me back – he had a history of coming back – but when he was having any of it, it made me miserable. This was really the end, this time.
All optimism had gone.
I wallowed in my own self-pity for nearly two weeks and seeing how happy everyone was around me made me more miserable. I wanted the world to know how much I hurt, and I wasn’t ready to give up the pity act yet. I wasn’t as happy with my job as I had been previously, and I was still frustrated that the house purchase hadn’t been finalised yet. Would I ever move out? In every aspect of my life, I felt like a failure. Why hadn’t I achieved anything in my life? Was I going to be stuck in this rut forever?
Getting up and out of bed seemed like the hardest chore, and I spent afternoons at work wishing the time away so I could cry in the privacy of my car on the way home.
To think, all this self-loathing came because one guy didn’t want me back.
During this time, I loaned out Rhonda Byrne’s The Magic from the library, a book that encourages gratitude and the Law of Attraction in getting what you want from life. I opened it with some scepticism having read mixed reviews – some claiming it used brain washing techniques whilst others waxed lyrical on how The Magic had changed their lives. But things couldn’t get any worse than they had been. Plus, the book provided me with focus and distraction from checking his online WhatsApp status all the time.
The book encourages gratitude and focus on the aspects of our lives we’re grateful because as the Law of Attraction suggests, we get what we put out to the universe. It’s set out with daily tasks to tackle different aspects of life (money, relationships, careers and health) for 28 days. I wrote out my list of desires as the book suggested, and I tucked the notebook safely away, too scared to look at everything I wanted to achieve.
I find it awfully frightening to share my list but I’ve always tried to be honest and unfiltered with you.
Here it is:
- Career progression (+ recognition and praise)
- A salary increase so I worry less about money
- To be able to grow my savings again
- Repair the relationship with M to how it was in October / November 2016 when we were not arguing
I counted my blessings every day, I found a rock to place by my bedside, and I wrote lists of gratitude to close friends and family. When I started to see the good and positive in every day, there was no time for the self-pity and loathing. Not really anyway. And it’s then that the positive things started to happen. I stumbled across a job vacancy that I believed I’d be good at. I applied, got asked to attend an interview, and got the job. M got in touch again (although, let’s face it, that didn’t exactly go to plan). But it was all happening at once in a whirlwind 10 days.
I don’t know if these things were mere coincidence, whether positivity did really attract positivity but I’ll take it. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain including a more positive outlook. I needed to change my perspective on life, and I like to think it changed me too.
So here’s to writing daily gratitude lists, to counting blessings and picking out one highlight before I hop into bed. Here’s to thinking more positively and for hoping for the best.