I asked the question. The one that’s been on my mind for too long, for months even. Nudged on by my horoscope telling me to speak with raw honesty and my friends who always told me I could do better (I can), I asked M what he wanted from me. I’ve tried to broach the subject before but I needed to know the answer once and for all.
Why? Because F not knowing where you stand with someone. F being sick of not knowing the answer, and being a part of someone’s selfish game that you don’t want to play.
“What is it you want from me?” I asked. If you even have to ask that question then it’s never a good sign … is it? If he really wanted to talk to me, he’d communicate beyond a ‘how are you?’ message every few days. If he really wanted to see me, he would. Deep down I knew the answer, always too scared to admit it and instead I hoped I was wrong. I hoped it was something else. Work life, family life, something, anything. I gave him ample opportunity to tell me. He chose not to.
As I saw the dreaded blue ticks next to my messages, I knew he wasn’t going to reply. His silence was the answer. He couldn’t even answer why he came back or why he was annoyed at me, he wasn’t going to start answering now. It was the straw in a long line of events that broke the camel’s back. There’s only so many times you can tell someone how you feel before you realise they were never listening.
Propped up by pillows and nursing some pretty puffy eyes, I composed a message to him. It was a summary of (nearly) everything I had wanted to say, the words I should have said sooner, and I let my heart pour out.
I congratulated him on the selfish game he’d played, a sequence of constant mind games. I reminded him that we didn’t have a single good moment in our time together because he always stopped that happening. I told him I was sorry I cared about someone who clearly never cared about me, but I wasn’t sorry for being someone who considers other people. I told him his ‘how are you?’ questions were wholly ironic because he didn’t care how I was. I reminded him of a couple of times last year when I thought he was being sincere with me for the first time, only to be told he had a girlfriend days later. The ultimate blow.
I didn’t want a year of developing feelings (clearly that was only on my side), communicating nearly every day, and everything in between to be thrown away like this. But his silence and unanswered questions speak for themselves.
Now is the time to be kinder to myself, to look at the positives, and to move on. And if / when he decides to come back (because they do, don’t they?) then I’m not sure I’ll know what to say.