I’m a planner, and so even calling things off with M came with meticulous detail. I like conclusions, remember? I planned out everything I wanted to say to him because I didn’t want to be swayed by his charm and words. Or to be distracted by what he was going to say. I was going to call him that evening, and tell him. I knew it was going to suck, but we’ve been through this too many times before, and it’s about time we resolved all of this once and for all.
“We need to talk. Let me know when you’re available“. He replied back immediately saying, “You always do this to me. How are you? What’s up?” Even though it did feel nice, I knew what he was trying to do and I didn’t want to give it to him. I didn’t want to be sidetracked, for him to mistake this as our ‘we need to talk‘ conversation or for him to come up with his rebuttal before we even spoke. I’ve heard it all before; he was always being honest, he isn’t like that, and he was never a d**k to me. I can’t eye roll hard enough.
So I avoided his questions, and I asked him again to let me know when he could talk. This time he replied with a “whaaaa” and I’ll be honest, it was enough for me to not bother. Seriously, what kind of response is that? He has good credentials, he’s extremely intelligent, and that’s what he could come up with? It wasn’t even worth my time telling him how I felt because with a response like that he didn’t deserve to know.
I don’t expect anyone to be perfect but I like a man who tries, whose response consists of words, and who answers the damn question.
I sat on it for a bit, I didn’t read the message straight away, but the more I thought about it, the shittier his response was. So I did something I didn’t want to do, I stooped to his level and said what’s been on my mind for the last three weeks: “This is pointless. In your words: I give up“.
He said that to me once when he dumped me on WhatsApp after one of our arguments. It’s not the gracious way I like to do things, it’s not how I like to see things out but I’d tried. “Whaaaa” isn’t a response to anything, especially from a 26 year old.
I’m not so sure I should have told him that now. But I’m sick of giving people all these chances they don’t deserve, and it’s not as if he hasn’t had the time to make amends or at least ask what’s going on. We’re in a state of limbo, no man’s land and it isn’t fun any more. I’ve chased him for long enough. Ever since he came back into my life at the end of January, I chased him, desperate for us to be as we were back in autumn. It’s never that easy.
Of course I want to know if he remembered what he said to me that night and I want him to hear the arguments I eloquently put together. But if he wanted to talk it through with me, he would have called. If he wanted to be with me, he would have been. He could have had me if he really wanted me. And I suppose deep down I knew that as soon as he cancelled on me the first time, and the second, and the third. I knew that when he slept with someone else. I knew it when he decided to get into a relationship with someone else.
It’s time to move on.