On a Scale of 1 to Asshole…

…how much of an asshole was he?

I have a thing about dates, calendar dates. I remember their significance really well. Tell me your birthday once, and I’ll remember it forever. I suppose it’s my party trick, my ex-colleagues were always amazed by my memory for little things like this, and I must say, I’m more proud of this skill of mine than I should be.

It also means I remember today is the one year anniversary of when M and I first matched on Tinder. Perhaps not exactly a significant date given we aren’t even talking to each other these days, but one I remember nonetheless. Because of this, I’ve been thinking about him quite a bit recently. (I remember wondering around the three month mark whether we’d make it to one year. We were just a week short of that).

I look backwards to everything that happened between March 2016 and today. Lots of things happened in those months, things that’ll go down in my best bits. But I have to say, a lot of it has been overshadowed by the things M did. He was a completely different person then to the one I know now. And I didn’t know him back then … how could I? There’s still a lot that I don’t know about him but I know enough. Of course there’s a part of me that looks back with nostalgia, the sweet things he did and the sweet things he did, but those moments were few and far between. There are too many unsavoury moments that steal the limelight from the better moments. The list of sins is only a small proportion of it all – so much happened after that and even when I wrote it, I held back on some things.

I’m not ready to look back with sweet nostalgia filling my heart. I’m still giving myself time to get closure. I know telling him what I thought and blocking him were the right moves, I don’t need this day trying to tell me otherwise.

On a scale of 1 to asshole, M is firmly in the asshole category.


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