It feels like it’s been a long time since I last opened WordPress to write a proper update and schedule a few posts. There’s not even been an exciting reason for my absence other than the age old: life got busy. And with sorting out the house (I move in two weeks), writing the book, and prioritising self-care, it has been busy. But it’s about time I sat down and wrote about M … remember him?!
Yep, we’ve been in contact with each other TWICE since my last M update (I know, I know. I need a serious word with myself).
The first time was about a month ago when I asked to talk – I was seriously down about the situation, and I needed to understand the why to get some closure. Given that he deserves an Olympic medal in avoiding questions, I’m quite surprised that I did manage to get some closure from it. Talking to him realised we’re all as flawed as each other, some of us handling ourselves better than others (hint: if you can be honest, empathetic, and apologetic when you’re in the wrong, you’re doing pretty well). I can’t say he’s been good at any of those, but I realised it was a flaw in him rather than something I did wrong. I didn’t get a concrete explanation for his behaviour and why he did what he did, but it helped me. He also told me he’s been having a bit of a shit time of it recently … is this karma having its way after he emotionally cheated on his girlfriend, and treated me like rubbish all this time? I think so.
Now, if the story ended there, I’d give myself a pat on the back for exercising some discipline. But, if you’ve been reading this story from the beginning, you’d know that’s unlikely to be the case! I really am an idiot. So, after accidentally sending him a voice message on WhatsApp (note: do not leave WhatsApp open whilst you’re having an in-depth conversation) we ended up speaking on the phone again. And even though it was all kinds of lovely, I wish we didn’t have that chat because … I’ve got feelings for him again. I’m such an idiot for opening up this wound constantly, and giving him chance to reject me again and again.
So, I guess that’s where we are now. I feel like an utter idiot for telling him how I feel … and for what? Utter silence? Bollocks to that. Sigh. How many times am I going to let the same person break my heart? I owe it to myself to allow this to be the last time.